This is how I feel sometimes... This seems to be a never ending battle. It's so frustrating sometimes. It's like I will be doing just fine with praying and reading my word and then all of a sudden I fall on my face again...grrr. It always felt that God and Satan were pulling at me from either side as is tug-o-war and I was getting closer to falling into Satan's pit. I am getting much better with getting right back up. I don't wallow in my sins and sit stuck in my fear that I'll always fall and fail tests. I know that fear has been the enemies tactic to keep me down. The only fear I have is failing God. I'm sure some will ask, "Well, how can you fear God if you still sin?" That is a good question. The fear of God is in me. I know who He is. I know that although he bestows much grace and mercy and is a God of love and forgiveness He will still send his wrath to those who are disobedient. God is a jealous God. I have experienced such wrath and it completely flipped my life upside down. I guess I can shamefully say that my flesh was stronger than my spirit man. For years I fed my flesh with sex, weed, alcohol, money, people who were no good for me as well as other things that weren't godly. My spirit was starving because I would go to church and not retain what was preached. I would write down memory scriptures only to lose the note cards and not care and I didn't memorize them. I wouldn't pray and I would allow my fear of rejection, pain and other things keep me from establishing a relationship God and keeping that relationship. Sins pushes you further from God. 

I have learned that even though I may fall or fail a test that I have to KEEP working on our relationship. Eventually, it will grow and get stronger. God will begin to reveal more to me about myself and the world. He will reveal to me His secrets. It will become easier to pass tests and my spirit will get stronger. I just want God to be pleased with me and my efforts to be holy and live righteous. I've read, a few times, Joyce Meyer's Battlefield of the Mind. She talks about spiritual warfare. Our mind is Satan's stomping ground. He tries to infiltrate our mind and tries to get us to believe that we are lonely, that we are failures and that we have no hope. He constantly throws our past in our faces by trying to send people from our past to throw us off. He constantly tries to remind me of how I used to be or of my usual reaction to my sin. He may pul at my mind and send crazy thoughts or visions but I know to cast them down and keep my I am no longer bound to my fears. I know that by his stripes I am healed, delivered and redeemed. One of the good things about being a child of God is know that no matter what I go through God will be fighting my battles for me. He will always extend his hand to help me up when I fall. True, he hates sin. He does not like disobedience, but as cliche as this may be, he searches the matters of the heart. I want to be the woman Satan runs from when he hears my footsteps.  I am trying and striving to be a righteous woman...a P31.

1 comment

Join in on the conversation!