My Testimony


My story is not complete, I would like to share where I am in life at the moment. Who knows, maybe I could inspire someone...

Whoo Jesus!! I thank you for my life. I thank you for your abundance of blessings, none of which I deserve. I thank you for all of the tears I have shed. They made me stronger. I thank you for the potholes you allowed me to fall in. It allowed me to see that without you I can do nothing. I thank you for paths you didn't let me walk, the relationships I didn't enter, the jobs I didn't receive. Everything you have done is setting me up for my purpose. I thank you for not removing your hand from MY life even though at times I deliberately chose sin over you. I praise you for my children's lives. I thank you for breaking generational curses...my children will live lives full of peace, joy and full of You. You are worthy of my tears, my money and my total praise. I am in complete awe of You. I thank you for a deeper more intimate relationship with you...Amen.


CHILDHOOD


Well, I was born in Mt. Clemens, MI. My biological father (whom I don't know & I guess you could say never met because I haven't seen him since I was about 1 or 2) started lacing my mom's weed after I was born and she became addicted to drugs. I was the only child when the house were in one day was raided. I was with my mom, aunts and cousins. Every child in the house was taken by CPS and put in foster care. My mom wasn't able to see me. My brother, who is one year younger than me was born while my mom was on drugs. He was born at her house on the couch and was taken once an ambulance arrived. My youngest brother, at the time was born two years after that was taken directly from the hospital where he was born. We were all placed in the same foster home with a caucasian family. I was molested in the foster home by their oldest son's friend. We lived until we were adopted...together. 


We were adopted by a family, which included a husband, wife, daughter and older son. They lived in Benton Harbor, so that's where we moved to. It was such a blessing to have been adopted along with my brothers. How many families do you know that will adopt three siblings?? I was 5, and my bros were 4 and 2. I can say that I had a decent life. I wasn't fed with a silver spoon, but I didn't want for anything. I had all of what I needed, and some of what I wanted. We didn't wear name brand clothes and shoes. We weren't popular at school because we didn't have have the latest gear, but we were happy kids...for the most part. 

I remember going through a hard point in my life where I tried to commit suicide in high school. I hated my adopted father because I felt that he wasn't caring or loving enough. He always showed our younger sister favortism and we couldn't understand why. My brother's and I stuck close together. My dad never abused my siblings or myself physically or emotionally, but we had no...relationship. He made sure to tell me to go to school and get good grades so that I could graduate and be successful, I didn't know that life was about more than just going to school to get good grades. Sure, as a kid I had no responsibilities, but I was never given any advice on how to handle life as a teen or adult. I never had conversations about boys, friends, jobs, finances or Christ. My grandfather was a pastor but I didn't enjoy his church...no offense, but there were no kids my age. (R.I.P Granddad) I was a VERY sheltered child. It wasn't until my senior year in high school that I was able to stay home by myself or with my siblings. I was a good kid. I was an honors student. I played sports (even though I was horrible) and I was in band. I didn't have boyfriends and I kept my virginity until my senior year. (I made that sound soo wonderful lol.) All of my friends had been having sex for yeaarrrrs before I started. I didn't even plan it. Sad to say, but it was with a random who I knew I'd never be with. He was my best friend at the time and he took advantage of me...smh.

Anywho, I used to look at my friends as they would drink and smoke. They all had emotional issues with boyfriends and family. I may not have had the best 'stuff' and I didn't always agree with my dad's parenting, but I was thankful because I didn't have to deal with the world's issues at that time. Before having sex I didn't have to worry about who cheated, or why he didn't want me. I didn't have to worry about 'soul ties'. I didn't have issues with the law because I wasn't using or selling drugs and I wasn't constantly in the streets. As an adult I think back on my past and I remember the times I cried because I couldn't go a party or spend the night at a friends. I am so very thankful that I had to keep my butt at home because I was protected from a lot of things.


COLLEGE


I graduated from high school in 2004. I was definitely a band NERD and I really wanted to go to an HBCU. I remember marching behind Florida A & M University in a parade and I fell in love. I was determined to attend that school, however my dad had other plans for me. I wasn't able to go to the school to audition for a scholarship so I was going to send in a video. My dad told me that I couldn't even audition because I didn't have any family in Fl. I was livid and I hated him for so long. I never applied to any schools in MI, but at the last minute my older brother and sis-in-law told me about Eastern Michigan University...so I went. I got over being angry about not going to FAMU as soon as I stepped on Eastern's campus. I was super stoked. I felt like a mini adult who was ready to take on the world. Unfortunately, I wasn't equipped the tools to accomplish such a task. I started off the year with good grades and I was focused. My second semester is when my life flipped upside down. I started seeing this guy who stayed in the dorm that was up the hallway from mine. From what I knew he was single and really liked me. We started having sex, but he never became my boyfriend. I started smoking and drinking with him and his friends. I COMPLETELY failed my second semester. Long story short, I found out he had a girlfriend and we fell out.

After messing around with that random I became lost. My emotions were all over the place and I became depressed. I started sleeping with whoever said they liked me. My self-esteem was low. I didn't have anyone I trusted enough to talk to. My best friend at the time was very promiscuous and I couldn't talk to her about wanting to stop having sex. I didn't know what to do. I continued school and failed that next semester and the semester after that to where I was put on academic probation and then kicked out because Sallie Mae wouldn't give me anymore money.

Let's jump back to the summer after my first year in 2005. I started seeing this 36 year old guy. He was my first boyfriend ever. We were sleeping together, but I started to notice that he wouldn't take me to a certain side of town. An older woman across the street spoke to me and said I shouldn't be seeing a married man. I was like, "uhmmm, what??". He never wore his ring. I asked him about it, and he said they were separated. I was super naive at the time and let it go.  I asked one day to go to his house and he said no. After much probing, he said he sleeps on the couch and she takes the bed...well, they obviously lived together. Well, to make another long story short...I found his number in the phone book and called his house. He answered and said I had the wrong number. He didn't even disguise his voice lol. I called later and his wife answered. We had a long conversation and she wasn't even mad. Maybe they were separated and maybe she didn't care but my feelings were still hurt. I was so consumed with the desire to be with a man that I stayed with him. He visited me on campus once when I went to school the next semester and I gave him $600 of my school refund. Do you think I heard from him again?? 

That same summer my brothers were trying to find our biological mother. We were always told that we were adopted because she didn't want us, so I didn't join them in their quest to find them. I guess they asked the wrong person for information and it got back to my dad. He sat us down and pulled out a binder with our mother's photo and photos of us as babies. It had a little information about where we were born. He told us that the only reason he kept up after his wife died was because he promised her he'd take care of us. Talk about crazy hurt. That SHATTERED my spirit and a deep rooted hate grew for him and all men. I got to the point where I only wanted sex and I wanted to use them for what I could. 

In 2008 I was dating my best friend of 13 years. He ended up cheating on me and I went through another bout of depression and ended up taking a lot of pills. I guess it was a cry for help because instead of letting the pills overtake me I called my girl. I was taken to out on a stretcher (talk about embarrassing) and taken to the hospital. They sent me to a psychiatric facility where I spent a week. I was lonely and afraid. I didn't have anyone to vent or cry to so I sat to myself until I was released. Second semester that year I started seeing a guy who wanted to talk to me while I was with my ex-bestfriend. He was young and inexperienced. We were having sex and I thought everything was good. I joined the church he was attending and I loved it. I thought my life was perfect at that time. It was far from it. We had relationship problems. I would fight him physically and curse him out. I was insecure and always accused him of cheating. I had a really nasty attitude and his friends didn't like to be around me. I was a boiling hot mess. He ended up messing around on me with an older woman and told me he wanted to talk to her to get more experience because I was his first real relationship. She was a member of our church. I quit the choir because she was in it and he was the choir director. I left the church and cut everyone off. He ended up marrying her last year and they are now pregnant. When I found out I was a little hurt. Feelings for him didn't arise because they were long since dead, but I couldn't help but think, "well, what about me? Don't I deserve to be married?". After him I had a friend with benefits. It didn't satisfy me emotionally and I felt a huge void. I became addicted to sex and porn. I'd watch it on my phone or on my little netbook. I'd indulge in self-gratification and often used the excuse that since I wasn't having sex I with a man. 


FINDING MY MOM

Here it is 2008...I was sitting on my couch playing on my phone. All of a sudden, a random thought popped into my head out of nowhere. It was to look on Facebook for my mom. I figured that since everyone else's parents have a profile that mine would too. So, I looked and there she was at the top of the page. I didn't know it was her at first, so I added everyone with the same last name as hers (Hopkins). I put up as status that said, "I think I found my mom". Lo and behold my aunt was the first to respond. I remember being heated because I saw that she had a daughter with the same name as my brother. I was thinking, "seriously, she didn't want us but she gave another "N' word with the same name?". Well, to make ANOTHER long story short... We weren't adopted because she didn't want us. She had a habit and was honest enough with the court to say that she wasn't ready to quit. On top of that, even when did did get clean our social worker lied to her and said that we were already adopted and sent to different states. 

I talked to my mom on the phone that next day and she cried. She had just gotten out of the hospital because of her heart issues. God saw fit to give her more time so that we could reunite. They threw a big BBQ for us and I told myself to forgive her and not throw her past in her face. I was struggling off and on with that forgiveness but I did forgive her. I love my mom to death. She and I are so much alike and I love the relationship we have formed. 

I'M SORRY THIS IS SOO LONG. I'LL CUT IT SHORT

2009

I was working and I had a good job at The Home Depot. I met my son's father through my ex (the one who recently married). They were friends and he was freshly married. He saw me walking to the bus stop on my way to work, so he picked me up and took me. He was married so I kept my distance. He started coming to visit and just chat. The next thing I knew we were sleeping together and later fell in love. I knew I was wrong and even though he says the relationship was already dying before I arrived I felt hugely responsible. In love or not, he was married. We had many fights. Our relationship was a big distraction to me. Many times I'd repent and try to get right with God. I remember fasting once for 3 days. I needed God's strength to become celibate and to break that hold Satan placed on my mind. We hadn't talked in weeks after a big fight and the day he came back around we slept together...smh. I was so weak.

I fought God because I really wanted to be with this man. I was so disobedient. We got pregnant with our son Braylin and that made their relationship worse. We fought and fought and fought some more. I was going to a new church and was trying to get right with God, but I ignored the conviction he put on my heart. The summer of 2010 I was evicted from my place while I was at work because I couldn't pay my bills. I lost EVERYTHING except for the clothes on my back and maybe a pair of pants and a couple onsies for my son. Since then I've been in a couple homeless shelters. Last year I started a job and was dating my supervisor. (HUGE NO NO!!) and ended up pregnant...again. I don't believe in abortions, but he wanted me to get one. I haven't talked to him since Feb. of last year when I found out I was pregnant. 

My son's dad and I have been dating unofficially for the past year. We were having sex off and on until recently. I was so inconsistent with him and I don't think he took me seriously. I wouldn't either. One day I was celibate and the next I was all over him. I was driven by my emotions and my flesh. I did want a relationship with God, but the TRUTH is that I figured that being celibate would make him commit to me. That was a dumb way of thinking. My thoughts and feelings were that he is a wonderful father. He takes care of his two boys as well as my daughter whom he claims as his own. He has his flaws and I believe that Christ is working on his heart. However, I am currently single. I have been celibate for about 3 weeks. My reasons aren't the same as before. My heart and soul yearn for Christ. I truly desire a relationship with Him. I don't feel right if I don't get up and pray each day and right before I go to bed. I fasted and prayed for a renewed spirit and a heart of His. He is beginning to bless me with the desires of my heart. Yes, I would love a relationship, but even more I love the SINGLE woman that I am becoming. 

I'm not as argumentative I'm not insecure. I love myself and I am confident. I don't rely on the love or confirmation of any person to validate me. Christ is sufficient. I'm not perfect and God is constantly chipping away at my flesh. I don't let me past define me and I'm not controlled by my emotion. I'm controlled by the Spirit of God and I love it. I obey his conviction. I used to be afraid to move here or do things he tells me to because I was so afraid with losing everything again. I felt secure in my little bubble of nothingness, but I wasn't growing...at all. He has blessed me with a stable full-time job and an amazing support system. 

I was so afraid to tell my story because I USED to worry about what people would say about me. It doesn't bother me because my testimony could bless other and God will definitely get the glory. I don't wallow in my past and how I used to be. It doesn't bother me anymore when people bring up the old me, because God's Word is in my heart.

Philippians 3:13-14 "Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."

Isaiah 43:18-19 "Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.



2 comments

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