Tryna Find My Way Back

Sometimes I just want to run away. Run far away from life and its issues and stresses. I think to myself...Who will follow me? Who will follow me to the end of the earth as I go through dirt and betrayal? Who will still support me through my disobedience and frustration...through my denial and tears? Is there anyone who I can trust to stay with me even though I push them away?? ANYONE?"

Why didn't life come with a manual with instructions, answers to tests and road maps that show STRAIGHTS paths instead of STRAIT ones? People call me STRONG, because from what they know I've endured a lot. While that may be true, I've strayed from God's path several...SEVERAL times. So, am I really strong? Sure, a lot of things I have gone through have been out of my control, BUT I could have done so much more to prevent some things. I don't regret the decisions of my past, but it seems that I can't escape it. It seems that I can't pull myself out of the mess that I've gotten myself into.

Idk, I guess I just feel like venting about random things. My life is such a struggle right now. This almost has me broken beyond repair, but even in my current sin God hasn't removed his hand from my life. I do know that the more I disobey and run away from him the harder it will be to get back to him. The crazy thing is that as I'm running away my hand is stretched out to him and I see him running after me. I know that He is the only one who will follow me to the end of the earth as I go through dirt and betrayal. He will support me through my disobedience and frustration...through my denial and tears? I can't trust Him to stay with me even though I constantly push him away.

God is amazing though. I am beyond blessed to still feel his presence. I'm fighting...fighting to live for him. I sooo desire it in my heart, but I'm so blinded by the tears of my present. My life is a shattered pile of stained glass. It's like a puzzle with many missing pieces and pieces that belong to another puzzle. I'm so incomplete and I'm afraid to trust him. It's weird I guess because he has never failed me, but a broken heart hurts. It hurts to be betrayed and let down by those who are SUPPOSED to love you most. I guarantee you that when I'm set free I WILL NEVER GO BACK to the lies, bad habits and pain. I need to stop running, because I'm about to need new shoes.

God is so loving and kind...gracious and supportive. Being in his arms is amazing. Believe me, I've been there. I'm just trying to get back there...

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